My week has been filled with moments of self-awareness which are the best kind of weeks! If 2020, and 2021 have taught me anything it is how comfortable we were, that we stopped listening to each other, and mostly checked boxes in what we called life.
I’m in the middle of reading, “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters” by Kate Murphy. Wow. If I wrote a book this is the one I would have wanted to write. I grew up feeling invisible. My dad told us we were to be seen and not heard and my mom was too busy with so many jobs and doing all the things to keep our family going that she was not really present. I could go on and on about all the ways I didn’t feel seen or heard growing up. I’m sure you’ve felt that way whether it was because of your upbringing, color of your skin, your gender — or so many other reasons.
And yet, it doesn’t have to be that way. We can train ourselves to be good listeners to ourselves and those around us. I’m not going to say that I always do it well, but I will say I work hard at being completely aware and present. A good listener:
asks questions with curiosity
wonders why is it important to the other person
listens for emotion, tone and when their voice might change (which tells us when something is really meaningful)
Often a great listener can ask the right questions that brings the speaker to a resolution or aha moment just by the questions that they ask. It is one of the reasons I love to coach. It is my chance to deeply connect with someone and provide a safe place for them to be seen and heard — AND to teach how you can begin to do that for yourself. A good start is to turn off your distractions (phone, computer, tv) and put it on paper. Get whatever you would say out loud to someone onto paper. The paper acts as the ear of the listener. It’s actually quite freeing as you can ask your own questions and you don’t have to think about whether you like what the listener might say to you.
Are you in?
If you struggle with starting with a piece of paper, reach out to me. I’d love to do a Zoom session with you and show you how to “see” you.
