The other day my son told me I must be a "Calming Coach."
I had no idea how he came up with that except that is how he views me.
It was like an early Mother's Day present.
He knows I am a coach, but he doesn't really know what it means. For him, a coach is someone who coaches an NBA team.
Yet, it means to him that I have a way of calming him down.
More than my coaching training, my son has taught me more about holding space then any textbook or class.
When he is angry or frustrated he physically and verbally lashes out. He is telling us that in some way he is not seen or heard.
When I was a kid I would have had some sort of punishment for acting that way -- a fraternity paddle spanking, wash my mouth out with soap, etc.
What did that teach me? To be quiet. To not take up space -- that what I said and how I acted didn't matter. Or, if it didn't fit in the box, then the consequence was paddles and soap instead of a parent that could help me calm down and regulate.
I try my best to hold the space for my son. When he's having a hard time, I sit with him, hold him, acknowledge his feelings, and let him feel the emotions he is feeling.
I don't try to change how he is feeling. I allow him to have his feelings and let him know I see how hard something might be for him.
This doesn't mean there may not be consequences to his actions or mean words.
But consequences do not have to be in the form of paddles and soap. It can be in quiet time, or screen removal, or missing out on something fun.
I do not want him to fear me or the consequences.
My hope is that I'm teaching him how to self-regulate. That when I am not with him he can breathe, calm down, and feel his emotions.
That is the first step to mothering ourselves and, for many of us, "remothering" ourselves.
If the idea of mothering, remothering, self-regulating is new for you, I want to talk to you. Learning to calm our nervous system and live from a place of regulation is the first step to healing. The possibilities that come from it are endless.
